Monday, May 20, 2013

Double Exposure Matrix & Buddies in the Vastness

Thank goodness for 'buddies in the vastness', who 'grok' how Life can be warped and slippery. Being able to email such friends--and know they won't think I'm nuts--is a tremendous sanity refuge. I just sent the following message to one such friend:

". . . although life is pretty much unchanged, I find myself relating to it differently. I guess the best thing I can say about this latest 'energetic place', is that my reaction TO Life, is shifting somehow. It's not so much an actual reaction at all. I'm just not being drawn to 'take on' (or 'buy into') the ole' mind-spin, about what something might actually mean. There is no inclination to 'make sense' of life. 

(come to think of it, Life doesn't try to 'make sense' of what makes me think I should try to do it?)

The texture is sharpening into focus. What occurs, is fully experienced with nonchalant curiosity, as it unfolds. There is a sense of deep Presence, a full involvement with whatever is happening. And yet, there is the simultaneous 'overlay' of impartial awareness, registering it all. 

But what seems most strange, doesn't exactly have words to describe. 

Reality does not feel like its old normal 'self'. Instead of conforming as it always did--the grid itself, is misbehaving. Nothing appears quite the same anymore. It's like seeing sideways through this life we live, and recognizing how it isn't exactly solid. How it refuses to behave itself; acting more like a prankster with a playful propensity toward distortion, and illusion.

Then, when I try to FIT "my life" into a perspective of one familiar sort, or another, the 'joke' becomes all too apparent: Reality has no intention of holding still! It can't. It's simply not made of the sort of concrete, stable, fixed, or reliable notions that we tend to take it for. It doesn't acknowledge familiar divisions, or connections, between people and things. It messes with our attempts to keep time and space the way we want it to be.

What's worse: There is a part of me that doesn't even care, and doesn't even need to find such paradigms of 'the known', in the ways it once did. So that, now, this sort of 'YES' to a wholehearted embrace of 'the unknown' feels like flirting with insanity or instability. But I can't help feeling more 'at home' in this 'YES', than anywhere else.

Well, I'll just stop here--that's enough of an attempt to put words to the intangible fluidity of Life."